Nothing Part 1

May 14, 2009 at 10:44 am 5 comments

empty nest

Nest full of Nothing

Isn’t it strange, when you are feeling a bit down that all the emotions of today, a week ago, a month and even years ago come flooding back.  In fact, Naomiof the Bible was so overwhelmed by her circumstances that she changed her name from one meaning pleasant to Mara, meaning bitter.  I strugglewith circumstance, to the point of being an obvious pain the the “booy”  as my two year old calls it. When my brow furrows and I spend the hours after dinner frantically cleaning or tackling huge un-warranted projects it often brings questions…

It is my experience when someone asks “What’s the matter?” one of two answers results:

  1. “I’m fine.” or virtually the same answer, “Nothing.”  It’s not that you intend to deceive but your mind is saying stuff like, “Tired chocolate dad clutch and baby.  Phone call under the couch and maybe my hair”  How can a sane person make any sense of that?  So what a person usually intends to say follows. “Nothing I can wrap my brain around at the moment.” Or “I’m fine without dumping all the garbage I can’t even sort in my own mind yet.”
  2. The other answer, though it’s less often perceived as deceitful is more often taken personally especially by unsuspecting, sincerely caring spouses:  Pause a moment while the questioned waits for the flood of thoughts to bump against the front of her brain and spill down into the central cavity of the brain where she can begin to pick them up one at a time, examine them and blurt out in no particular order just like the lottery lady on television, “I’m still feeling residual effects of the PPD, I really thought it would disappear one day and I would be rid of it but I’m loosing a lot of sleep over it,” deep breath while tears begin to well, “my dad being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s back at Christmas time is still heavy on my heart, I’m mad at God and I struggle every day to remember to thank God that Dad is still around and can do projects and play with the kids, I didn’t loose him in a car accident or a fire (he was a firefighter for over 25yrs) but I’m fearful of the future because I can’t imagine life without him AND,” with a flood of tears mounting now (I never cry so now I’m getting mad that my Hubby hit the jackpot, so to speak and I’m sobbing which will inevitable give me an unwanted headache) “the baby is sleeping really well now, in her own room but even though it is good I miss her and I lose sleep over THAT!”  Another gasp while I, I mean she 😉 winds up for the finale, “There are dust bunnies under the couch and that guy left a message for the third time about the clutch AND I haven’t had a shower so my hair is greasy and uncooperative!”

I think if it’s all the same, next time I will stick to “Nothing!” and save myself the headache.

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Entry filed under: Hey What's Goin on Here?, Mom stuff. Tags: , , , , , , .

The Moon Presides Nothing Part 2

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kathryn  |  May 14, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    I’m sorry sweetie – i just don’t have words to say.

    I have been there with depression, brain fog, & feeling overwhelmed. I don’t/didn’t have children, so that adds just such another dimension to the whole thing.

    Guess i’m trying to say that i understand a little of what you’re expressing. I don’t miss it! Wish i could wave a magic wand & make it go away, or be there to help you with hugs & dust bunnies.

    It seems trite, but you are in my prayers. 🙂

    Reply
  • 2. Karen  |  May 14, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    You are not alone in having these thoughts and feelings. It is just a part of life. Everyone experiences these kinds of things. Be happy that you are normal.

    Reply
  • 3. JoAnn  |  May 14, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    Jessie, I wish I could help in some way….I’ve been there done that myself.

    I can SO relate to the husband asking “what’s wrong?” and wondering if you should actually try to explain it or just resort to the standard answer, “nothing”.

    To be frank, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now too.

    You’re in my prayers…

    (((hugs)))
    JoAnn

    Reply
  • 4. Karen Joy  |  May 16, 2009 at 1:12 am

    I’m glad that you have a sincerely caring husband. I bet that he really wanted to hear #2, not #1. And, I’m glad you told him.

    I’m so sorry about your Dad. 😦

    Crying gives me a major headache, too.

    Reply
  • 5. purplemoose  |  May 16, 2009 at 8:53 am

    But “nothing” isn’t right. I sometimes will say “everything,” which STILL isn’t right (I mean accurate), but I think at this stage in our married life that my hubby understands when I say “everything” that it’s a big long overwhelming list of things beyond what I can deal with.

    And I guess I’m blessed with a hubby who will try to help, although (if you can imagine) that is frustrating to me when I’m having brain foggy days. “What can I do to help?” he asks. “???????? ” is my first thought. Then I think, “Fix it all,” but that’s not possible.

    I definitely feel better, loads and loads better, when the weather warms up and the sun comes back. And since I live in AK, the cold and dark lasts a looooong time. I’ve just realized how much better light is for me this week. It’s been bright, sunny, not cloudy all week (even though it hasn’t really been warm) and I’ve been amazingly energetic and happy. Until yesterday, when it got cloudy. Yesterday was a hard day. I think I need to invest in some good lights for next winter.

    I hope that you are feeling better and better every day! And I also am praying for you.

    Reply

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MATT - Food Creativity Consultant, Joyful Partner in Crime JESSIE - Photographer, Amateur Food Critic, Blog Author CAPTAIN OBVIOUS - formerly Thing 1 Thing 1 SCARFUNKLE - formerly Thing 2 IMG_3466 LOUD KIDDINGTON - formerly THE BUBBA 3 PEE WEE MINI ME BORN March 8, 2011

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