Posts tagged ‘PPD’
Isn’t it strange, when you are feeling a bit down that all the emotions of today, a week ago, a month and even years ago come flooding back. In fact, Naomiof the Bible was so overwhelmed by her circumstances that she changed her name from one meaning pleasant to Mara, meaning bitter. I strugglewith circumstance, to the point of being an obvious pain the the “booy” as my two year old calls it. When my brow furrows and I spend the hours after dinner frantically cleaning or tackling huge un-warranted projects it often brings questions…
It is my experience when someone asks “What’s the matter?” one of two answers results:
- “I’m fine.” or virtually the same answer, “Nothing.” It’s not that you intend to deceive but your mind is saying stuff like, “Tired chocolate dad clutch and baby. Phone call under the couch and maybe my hair” How can a sane person make any sense of that? So what a person usually intends to say follows. “Nothing I can wrap my brain around at the moment.” Or “I’m fine without dumping all the garbage I can’t even sort in my own mind yet.”
- The other answer, though it’s less often perceived as deceitful is more often taken personally especially by unsuspecting, sincerely caring spouses: Pause a moment while the questioned waits for the flood of thoughts to bump against the front of her brain and spill down into the central cavity of the brain where she can begin to pick them up one at a time, examine them and blurt out in no particular order just like the lottery lady on television, “I’m still feeling residual effects of the PPD, I really thought it would disappear one day and I would be rid of it but I’m loosing a lot of sleep over it,” deep breath while tears begin to well, “my dad being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s back at Christmas time is still heavy on my heart, I’m mad at God and I struggle every day to remember to thank God that Dad is still around and can do projects and play with the kids, I didn’t loose him in a car accident or a fire (he was a firefighter for over 25yrs) but I’m fearful of the future because I can’t imagine life without him AND,” with a flood of tears mounting now (I never cry so now I’m getting mad that my Hubby hit the jackpot, so to speak and I’m sobbing which will inevitable give me an unwanted headache) “the baby is sleeping really well now, in her own room but even though it is good I miss her and I lose sleep over THAT!” Another gasp while I, I mean she 😉 winds up for the finale, “There are dust bunnies under the couch and that guy left a message for the third time about the clutch AND I haven’t had a shower so my hair is greasy and uncooperative!”
I think if it’s all the same, next time I will stick to “Nothing!” and save myself the headache.
I’ve sort of reverted to childhood. “If you can’t beat them join them,” right? Today I taught Thing 1 how to climb a tree. We sat in the branches, seeking shelter from the rain after putting up a tepee in the garden. I was wandering around my property looking for twine or something to tie the logs together and I realized how fun it is to do a project completely free. I hate buying things but even more than that I hate, not being able to do something because I don’t have the tools or materials. Kids are so resourceful and I decided I could stand to be a little more flexible. I had to limb 3 small downed trees but couldn’t find a hand saw anywhere. The chainsaw needed a new chain and my garden clippers would not do. Though my back isn’t too happy about it I finally went to work on those trees with an axe and had the tepee poles up in about half an hour.
I can’t believe I used “hate” so often in that paragraph. I would never let my kids do that!
I’ve been reading children’s books like mad. I got them at a two for one sale at our church thrift store and was not sure about reading them to the kids until I had previewed some, so I’m reading them in advance. I will post my thoughts on individual books once I have a couple read. I’m one of those crazies who reads every word no matter how terrible it is. I just can’t bear to miss anything. I may as well share my insight since I’m going through the torture. Ha, well not really- the books I’ve read so far have been good.
Lastly, since I’m not a kid I have to say, all this “reverting” has really done my soul some good. I am trying everything possible to get through this PPD quickly and find myself again. It’s a horrible feeling when you are no one you once knew. Naively I have hoped that one of these days my struggle would simply disappear, “POOF!”
It has not been that willing but when I’m tired and want to crawl in a hole, I curl up with a book. When I’m frustrated and can’t keep up, I have hamburger sanity. When life is crazy and the rain just keeps comin’ I climb a tree!
My struggle with PPD